I've been having a couple of very overwhelming days here, okay...perhaps more than a couple. Why is this a lesson that I have to repeat over and over again? Why is it that I attempt (and think) that it's possible to be able to do it all and to do it well nonetheless?
I cannot work the hours I do and then come home to a house that is stocked (by me) with groceries for meals (planned by me, for the week) and walk the dog, cook dinner (a vegetarian and a gluten-free one and have it ready and warm for when my husband walks through our door), help Zoey with her homework and stay on top of the laundry every single day and still have time left over to blog, read, or have time to be creative...or sometimes even simply just sit still for a moment before packing lunches for myself and Zoey for the next day. I'm stuck in a cycle of busyness that isn't ending. I can't forget to call the groomers for the dog or whatever, the list goes on and on. There is always something vying for my attention. I need to make sure I go to the bank or pay that bill. Sign Zoey up for theater camp or make sure she has everything in order for dance. And it's so funny because as a woman I feel compelled to not complain. To suck it up and keep going, refusing defeat...because if I did then that would mean I am weak or not a hard worker or too emotional, etc. That I better just get through it silently without complaint. Why on earth is this the case when I simply know better!?!?
It's tiring and getting old. How many times do I look at someone and have the thought that I could do that...would enjoy doing that...someday want to do that but I don't make it (whatever "it" may be a priority; today it was my admiration of someone who knows web design and I had the thought that I really, really, really think I could be good at that but it's always on the back burner for me) because other needs call to me for tending to.
This past weekend I made a plan (a pact to myself really) to take the time to ensure that I got some exercise time in for myself. That means bringing Zoey along with me but hey, she's older now so it's somewhat manageable. It didn't end up working out and it was fine because I ended up showing up for a friend that needed it (and truth be told I needed it too) and I thought, "It's alright, I'll take the time for myself tomorrow." Well tomorrow came and our plumbing in the kitchen backed up and my day was spent with people in my home trying to fix what needed fixing. It just all of a sudden was too much. I simply wanted to go for a walk and to get some exercise. I cried and then I got mad that I was crying. Who cries over THIS?
Well apparently I do. Or at least I did the other day. And you know what.
I need to remember that I cannot take care of every little thing and also make sure that everyone is happy without making sure that I too am happy first every once in awhile. It's so easy for me to get caught up in this cycle of trying to do it all. It's in my very nature to try to make sure all the bases are covered and that everything is taken care of. I need to change how I think and make sure that I too am being taken care of, even if (especially if) that means that I am the one that needs to do the caring.
Deep breathes here this evening..tomorrow is another day.
Edited to add:
[After posting this I clicked on over to one of my favorite blogs and this was the blog post that had just recently been posted. I am not alone, and thank you, thank you, thank you for reminding me.]