Lately...

12.16.2013


I have been marveling at how amazing...deep down, hurt my heart, amazing, this girl is.  She is nine years old.  When I stop and think about it, I realize that I have just eight more years with her here by my side before she heads out on her own.  That's less time than she has been with me thus far. There are moments every day that I catch short of breath and just realize how much it is that I love her.  She is amazing.  There is no other word.  

There are times when things seem so very hard.  When we have tough conversations about friends or responsibilities or feelings.  About doing the right thing, even if it's really, really hard. We take in account the changing perceptions of what reality really is now that she is getting older, I take care to not be callous or tell her outright that there is a very real brokenness in our world...but the thing is, she sees it.  She questions the motives of the people that are telling her what to see, what to feel, what to look like.  She is amazing.  She loves her Earth. She loves her God.  She questions but she has a faith in her that shines right out of her very being.  I see it.  I see others see it. Sometimes that light is so bright that I feel myself shrinking away because I know that I cannot measure up to that...that absolute amazing-ness.  She has a goodness in her that I just haven't seen or known before.  

There are times that it seems that I am almost paralyzed with the awesomeness of knowing how huge the responsibility of raising her up right is.  Raising her in a way that is fair and just and that allows her the room that she needs to grow into a strong, caring, smart, confident, nurturing and bold woman.  I feel it not only in my heart...a kind of panic, but also in the core of my being.  This responsibility is huge...it too, is amazing.  It is an amazing responsibility.  As well as an opportunity. One that I do not make light of.  She is a gift...the most treasured of gifts to me.

I love her.  

I love her so incredibly much.  I hear mothers complain about their daughters.  They roll their eyes. I know they are making conversation.  That they are speaking lightly. I have halfheartedly joined them. How annoying things can be, those things that they/we have to deal with daily.  How snotty their daughters can be. What is up with these attitudes they ask? I hear them.  I understand them. But if I really dig deep down and am being honest, I cannot relate to that right now...if I speak of annoyances please forgive me because it truly just doesn't feel right. I don't know that I want to waste the time that I have with her here and now on complaining about the earthly things that we so often think to complain about. There will come a time that I will struggle...that we will struggle more openly I am certain.  I tell myself that I am ready for that.  That I will be open and give her the room to navigate as she needs to. The truth is, I know that I am probably not ready...and my hope is that because of this. The "this" that is right now...she (we) will come out okay. That somehow, some way, she will see and know that I see, who it is that she is and has been and will be.     

Right now...

I love that she still reaches for my hand when I pick her up after school...that whatever it is that happened at school that day, good or bad, it's bubbling over to me before we can get the doors open.

I see the light in her eyes when she knows that we will be spending time together...it not mattering what it is that we will be doing.

I know the tremble in her voice that means something hard is coming, something that right now, only I can help with.

I can tell sometimes that she is patient with me, knowing that I need some time to catch up...to accept just how much she has already grown up.

She has questions and wants me to have all of the answers and I've had to be honest sometimes and share that I just simply don't know...and that hurts, her and I both.

I know that when I get upset with her, she hurts inside and that it matters.

I know that when I am wrong and I say I am sorry to her, she finds a value in that and will be able to do the same to someone else some day.

I think she knows, what a gift I consider this to be...my getting to be her mother.  That it's the one thing that I treasure the most.  .

I know that she sees that I am not perfect and my hope is that she will know that she isn't required to be either.

But heaven help me.

She is amazing.

No matter what, she will be nothing short of amazing to me.

To this world.

To her God.

And I hope to herself...

Amazing.

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This post has been sitting in my heart for a long while now.  I'm not confident that the words typed are the ones that truly are able to convey what it is that I am feeling.  But I want it here...so that some day she will see and read and know that this is me trying to share what it is in my heart of hearts, when it comes to her and my being her mother right now.

Tonight while she was fresh out of the bath and in her pj's she was dancing around in her bedroom listening to the song Headphones by Britt Nicole full blast, over and over again and it just seemed fitting to stick it in here with this post tonight.  It's so her.  Right now.  Lately.



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Keshet said...

This is so sweet and lovely--I always try to enjoy the beautiful parts of whatever stage my child is in, because it does go so fast!

Karen said...

<3

Karen said...

<3