Finding It Here (Random Post)

2.15.2008

First a song.

Had an outpouring with Ethan last night. Feelings, thoughts, ideas, exchanges of open-ended yet definitive statements (is that possible?). I say it is. It made me think of all that we have come through and reminded me of what it was in the beginning that made us stick.

It seems there was this time in my life, not so very long ago, but so very long ago when I was more reactive to things than I was reflective. I was quick to offer my opinions, my beliefs, and then I would go in circles trying to debate and make points and ruffle feathers. Perhaps it is that way for many when they are in college and wanting to make a difference or stand out, or whatever. I've come to realize that I am done with it, that I have been for some time now and have found peace because of it. The last time we were in Madison we were at a coffee shop that was packed, overflowing really. There were five of us huddled around a table the size of a basketball and I was looking out at the dim lit faces that were illuminiated only by lap tops and it hit me how everyone looked so familiar. I realized that it was because they were all trying so hard to be different that they were all the same. I don't know if it stems from our move here, and being surrounded with individuals that seem to continuously reach out to one another, or if it's related to life experiences and coming to some sort of end that has created this vision or what, but I've come to realize and appreciate the difference between making it known and having it known. I am at peace with standing on faith and faith alone. It is humbling and unselfish to start to live and look beyond just me. Humans, when you watch, are quite the foolish characters. I see people, intelligent people and they use their knowledge as a weapon. As something that they see as power so that they can tower over others, to try to make them feel inferior, inadequate, not good enough. They throw it around, to perhaps raise eyebrows at the very least. It makes me sick. It makes me angry. Knowledge is nothing, if not given and shared with others. I'm not talking about teaching, or providing aide, I'm talking about getting down on your knees and looking at someone in the eye and truly helping them to understand or come to terms with something that is greater than the both of you could ever know together. Anyone can be a teacher. Many of us are. Anyone can do a good deed and tuck it under their belt so that they can show their good samaritan card when prompted. Many of us do just this. I think I was waiting for someone to see me and to tell me that I was good, interesting, valid. To somehow give me worth. No longer is this necessary. I was made to think this way, to create, to be strong, to be simple, to make Ethan smile, to be a good mama, to create a balance in this home. To help to be a reminder of what is important, if it is only to those that I see in my day to day life, that is enough. I do not know the answers to so many questions, but I finally know without a doubt that I am good. That I am good enough, rather. That to live a small life, is to live a big one.

For some reason, last night it was very important for me to know that Ethan know these things about me, these thoughts that I was thinking (which of course he already knew) and that I got to hear him verbalize some thoughts about the above subjects (which he already has) but, you gals may know what I'm talking about when I say that some things are imperative for just the sake of repetition. No? It was important, I think, because I wanted to be sure that he knew that a change had taken place in me, and I wanted to be certain that he knew that change had taken place, and for me to know that he loved this new girl, the one that didn't have to spout out all her rantings and ravings and see to it that the world followed (or at the very least, seemed interested).

And after all my rambling and random thought patterns had sorted themselves out, and Ethan and I resumed our sweet little evening of Valentine's Day celebrating, it made me think of this:

Once upon a time there was a girl and boy. They began dating. They went out every weekend and spent time with friends as well as time alone together. It was on one of those times alone together that they went off one cool fall day and ventured to some nearby wooded land to explore. The girl started building a small little hut out of fallen tree bark. The boy joined her. They continued to build and searched for more twigs, branches and bark. The boys knuckles were red from the cold. The girls nose was running and her cheeks were flushed pink. The cuffs of their jeans were damp and dirt was streaked on their shirt sleeves. Hardly a word was spoken. Finally they were finished. The girl and boy sat down together on a fallen tree and looked at their creation. Without saying anything the girl and boy then went home. Together.

And how I am pretty certain that it was that moment that I knew that it was Ethan that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Thank you Ethan for listening, for taking care to continue to build with me, without necessarily knowing why and despite all of the worldly elements.

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cheryl mezzetti said...

Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom...:)
and your beautiful art!
Happy belated valentines day.

Barbara said...

simply wonderful Jen! Love this post right from the soul. One of my favorite songs is http://www.alisonkrauss.com/site.php?album=124154_-1__0_~0_-1_2_2008_0_0&content=discography
When you say nothing at all.
The song is so true with me and my dh we can just look at each other and just know.
Take care!